What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 04:14
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
How do we greet in German, French, Spanish, and Italian?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was very sick at this time too.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Comes on , in middle age.
This is soul school!.
She loved him until the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were not on the streets..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He knew the spot.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I could never make a relationship work though!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Was to survive, this bastard.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So whats the point in blame.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She wouldn,t have been !
He resisted the act ,that day.
She found it foreign!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My life is so biszare .
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But, we were locked up after school.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Who then, do I blame.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What did i know ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Would this be the day?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She married twice! .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It was going to be , some day.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I don,t even have a pension.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I will be 64.
I was 9 years of age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
All the time i was locked up.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My family never makes their pension either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.